What do I really want?

Sometimes I find myself dangling on the edge of a cliff.  Not a real one, obviously.  And the stupid thing is, nobody even pushed me or anything.  I kind of put myself there.  After two and a half years of being in my current relationship, I find myself clinging so hard to the love that could be vanishing.

I would push and push harder until he withdraws.  This is really harming my spiritual growth.

Like the other day, while we were doing laundry, I asked him to take a walk with me to Starbucks.  He said, “Neh.”  Logically, knowing him, I should have interpreted it as- “no thanks, I don’t even like coffee or waiting on line, but you should go though.  But emotionally, I wanted to raise hell because HOW DARE YOU NOT WANT TO GO WITH ME. ROAR. YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE!

Okay, I didn’t say that out loud, but that’s pretty much the beginning of an emotional rock slide.

That’s the cliff.  If I would only look down, I would be able to see that the cliff is probably only 6 feet tall and I can totally land on my feet if I let go.

But why do I do that? I find myself googling the weirdest questions, like:

“Where did our love go?”

Ok, that was really stupid, Google wouldn’t know that.  What am I doing? Searching for niche porn?

How about – “How do I make him fall in love with me?”

Neh, too needy – delete, delete, delete.

See, google, like men are very useful but isn’t really that smart when it comes to figuring out what you want, so I need to be reallllly specific about what I want to ask.  Stupid Google, why can’t you just know what I want.

Okay, so do I really, like realllly think he’s not in love with me? Or do I think I’m losing control of him or influence over him?  What am I trying to control him to do?  What the hell do I want from him?  I want him to be more romantic?  I want him to want to make me happy.

Okay, let’s try to dissect this with common sense.  Why wouldn’t he want to make me happy?   Men feel most like men when they can make a woman happy.  True or false?  True.

I’m hanging off a cliff and he’s not even coming to save me.  That’s because he doesn’t even know such a cliff exists.

If I complained about him being lazy, not wanting to go to Starbucks with me, I’m acting like an immature, controlling child instead of a graceful, independent, self serving woman.  How would that help my cause?  We’re doing laundry together, damn it.  It’s already a chore.  Can’t I just give that man some peace while he’s doing laundry?

So I walked to Starbucks alone.  It was only 2 blocks away.  It was sunny and beautiful out.  Instead of being mad about this whole thing, I decided I should value this precious moment.  In moments like these, God is teaching me something.  If I’m not too busy brewing some revenge plot in my head to listen.

I take all that I’m feeling, this feeling of weakness, helplessness, “craziness” and I wholeheartedly accept it.

Am I not enough for myself?  Do I have enough self respect so that I won’t base my whole value on how I’m able to influence my boyfriend to do things for me or with me?  Can I respect his choice?  Can I love myself when I’m feeling weak?

Yes, I’m going to buy myself a delicious beverage.

One thought on “What do I really want?

  1. I like how you’re trying to see things from his perspective too. Like, maybe he just needs his own down time. I think this makes a successful relationship; don’t see things only from your own perspective.

feel free to share your thoughts :)