This is kind of a intimate post. Where should I begin? I want to share this part of my life because this blog is where I can share my story in more than 120 characters, where I can be vulnerable because it takes strength to be vulnerable and the world needs more of that. Soooo here it goes.
I guess the problem is I don’t know how to trust. Not in the sense that one would normally think of in a relationship. Not the I think he would cheat on me and he’s keeping secrets from me or I don’t believe he’s telling the truth. No not those trust issues. I’ll try my best to explain.
I’ve been in 3 major relationships in my life. Even though I would like to think I’m totally a different girlfriend than I was when I was 14 or 18 or 24, I still notice a signature feeling that has always been in me. In every relationship. In every fight. Though the reaction I get is different, what I feel inside me feels eerily similar. Do you have that too?
In every single stupid argument, it winds up being that exact core issue, even though the fight didn’t start off that way. The exact feeling of control you desperately try to cling onto but it almost always slips and you turn into an uncontrollable demon. Mine feels like a huge crushing wave. An incredible emotional tsunami that wants to destroy what’s left of his ego. It really is a battle of our egos. I don’t trust that I am loved.
There’s nothing like a relationship that mirrors your own weakness to you. It just kicks you into your regular thought patterns.
My boyfriend knows all about it. He rides it out my waves on a surfboard. As cruel as it sounds, it almost seems fun to him. He is unable to comprehend what’s happening inside me, nor does he want to, when all I want for him is to understand my emotions. Energetically, he turns into an unemotional brick wall that is almost like a void that is able to absorb and evaporate my anger, which makes me even more angry that he is not engaging in my dance of fiery.
We haven’t had any major fights in a long time. I owe this to meditation, self love, practicing unconditional love for myself and mindfulness.
But undergoing even deeper levels of exploration into myself within the last 3 weekends at yoga teacher training have really magnified the issues I thought I had already let go of. But this is totally expected. In order for my new self to come into being, a certain death needs to take place. My own egotistic shadows.
The whole point of the ego is to create a sense of separation, my own identity. My ego has created many stories for me for the past 27 years to help me survive, to tell me how to behave so I can receive love from people. It also tells me how great I am. It also likes to seek power. As I begin to shed my beliefs, my ego gets kicked into survival mode because that’s what it’s designed to do. I won’t be loved if I no longer please people. I won’t be loved if I go too far out from the shore because it scares people. I’m going to be different. The hardest thing about healing is you’ll definitely lose people in your life. You are letting go of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve you and people are baffled by that.
There was a fight a few days ago but it was more of a lesson of what I need to further my development. I can throw words at him, I can unleash my wild emotions at him, I can shoot painful thoughts at him, thoughts so disgusting that even shakes me to the core, but his strength was seriously unmoving. He’s really going to let this relationship fly out the window (or is he saving it in the only way he knows how?) Until I can find strength to soften, there is no access to love. The fight taught me, I need to let go of my boyfriend. By this I mean, I need to trust him.
After much pondering, the fight was pretty idiotic because it goes something like this:
How dare you not be how I want you to be when I’ve been so good to you that I don’t follow my heart to the fullest so that we can stay together? How dare you not try to stay together and do what I want?
I need to trust him to uphold his end of keeping our relationship precious to him. To stay together, I make sacrifices, the things I do and the things I don’t do. To stay together, I rather not journey too far out of what we find comfortable. To stay together, I don’t do what I want to do. I’m afraid to live out my new beliefs, out of fear that we might drift apart. Honestly, perhaps I didn’t feel like I trust him enough to hold on to us, like the way I do. In my teenage years, the problem had to do with me losing myself in a relationship. But now, I need to let go of my old self and I don’t know if I can trust his love for me enough to love my new self. And I need to fight him so he can prove it.
I can be pretty idiotic, I know. Honestly, I am so grateful for him being who he is. Without his strength, I would not have plunged into self exploration, doing shadow work, inner child work, etc. I thank him for his own rage, his own wounds and battles I would never truly know and allowing me to be a part of his journey and still loving me to the fullest extent of his current understanding.
I decided I’m going to let go of the reigns, or at least give him his half. I have to follow my own happiness. I can see no other way. I saw so much clarity that the issue isn’t him at all. It’s me.
There’s something that I’ve been meaning to do but I haven’t, for the fear of losing what we have. But to love him, first I have to love me.
I have decided to become a vegetarian.