Queen of Cups

I taught my yoga class last night.  Honestly, I was not looking forward to it.  I couldn’t tell whether if it’s teaching that late in the evening 8:15pm- 9pm that is taking a toll on my physically and mentally or maybe I just don’t feel like teaching anymore.  I also got a new pregnancy symptom of back of the leg pain, I believe it’s called sciatica.  Either way, I showed up, ready to teach.

Perhaps my clouded energy manifested a smaller class than usual.  Just two people came, versus the 5 or 6 regulars.  Throughout the class, my focus was on teaching and cueing.  By the time class was over, I couldn’t tell if I was exhausted or not.  I was in the zone for the past hour and didn’t really get to think about myself.  By the time I got home, I was definitely tired.

I know I should be feeling grateful to even have this opportunity to teach.  But I cannot get myself to feel grateful.  It felt emotionally abusive to make myself feel any other way.  I just allowed myself to be tired and torn.

This morning, I woke up with the same question- do I actually like teaching yoga?  I mean, I like doing yoga and I enjoy learning yoga philosophies, but is teaching it really for me?  Is it time to close this chapter in my life?  Am I being too hard on myself?  Perhaps third trimester’s exhaustion is beginning to kick in.

I wonder if my desire to teach, to give and to be open stems from my inner state of lack.  Perhaps if I opened myself enough, be vulnerable enough,  I can be of value, I can make people happy and feel accepted even though it’s what I crave from others?  Do I teach unconditionally?  Or do I teach with an attachment to some kind of result I’m hoping to achieve?  Am I not honoring myself in any way by continuing to teach?

I honestly don’t know.

As much as I want to share my yoga and wisdom, I don’t have much to offer until I fill my own cup first.  How can I teach self love if I’m not being self loving?  Whatever it is I’m seeking, I need to stop and make peace with where I am.  After all, everything I seek is already within me.

 

 

feel free to share your thoughts :)