I taught my yoga class last night. Honestly, I was not looking forward to it. I couldn’t tell whether if it’s teaching that late in the evening 8:15pm- 9pm that is taking a toll on my physically and mentally or maybe I just don’t feel like teaching anymore. I also got a new pregnancy symptom of back of the leg pain, I believe it’s called sciatica. Either way, I showed up, ready to teach.
Perhaps my clouded energy manifested a smaller class than usual. Just two people came, versus the 5 or 6 regulars. Throughout the class, my focus was on teaching and cueing. By the time class was over, I couldn’t tell if I was exhausted or not. I was in the zone for the past hour and didn’t really get to think about myself. By the time I got home, I was definitely tired.
I know I should be feeling grateful to even have this opportunity to teach. But I cannot get myself to feel grateful. It felt emotionally abusive to make myself feel any other way. I just allowed myself to be tired and torn.
This morning, I woke up with the same question- do I actually like teaching yoga? I mean, I like doing yoga and I enjoy learning yoga philosophies, but is teaching it really for me? Is it time to close this chapter in my life? Am I being too hard on myself? Perhaps third trimester’s exhaustion is beginning to kick in.
I wonder if my desire to teach, to give and to be open stems from my inner state of lack. Perhaps if I opened myself enough, be vulnerable enough, I can be of value, I can make people happy and feel accepted even though it’s what I crave from others? Do I teach unconditionally? Or do I teach with an attachment to some kind of result I’m hoping to achieve? Am I not honoring myself in any way by continuing to teach?
I honestly don’t know.
As much as I want to share my yoga and wisdom, I don’t have much to offer until I fill my own cup first. How can I teach self love if I’m not being self loving? Whatever it is I’m seeking, I need to stop and make peace with where I am. After all, everything I seek is already within me.