I don’t mean to be preachy but writing down my thoughts is so meditative for me. I’m a bit obsessed with all things people, psychology, the human condition, religious/ spiritual teachings and relationships.
Society tells us so many different things on the “correct” way to do things. The acceptable way to behave in society. How you should contribute to society. These are the qualities a decent human being should have. What to look for in a man. What to look for in a woman. Be yourself, but follow these terms.
I’ve stopped caring about what people think or have to say about MY life and how I should be living it.(Except for Teal Swan, she’s the best, google her!)
Recently, I was feeling lost so I revisited the Bible. I wanted a sense of purpose in where my relationship was going. But what relationships do is mirror the flaws you see in yourself and it’s up to me to dig deeper into the essence of what’s troubling me.
According to the Bible, unconditional love seems to be the answer. It’s our goal in life to reach that level so we can be like Jesus. Wives should respect and love their husbands unconditionally. Husbands should love their wives as they love their own flesh, as if they’re gifts from God. I want that. Don’t we all?
Now you may think- but I’m not married, why should I obey my boyfriend or love my boyfriend as if he’s already my husband? That’s because marriage is not the end destination of a relationship. Marriage is a byproduct of a healthy relationship, when a couple is able to love each other unconditionally with mutual respect.
To be able to love unconditionally takes a lot of self work. Because first thing I wanna ask is:
What if I love him unconditionally, what do I get out of it?
That’s the thing, there’s a condition then. I need to get something out of it.
Don’t I love him for who he is? Here and now?
I thought about it and the answer is yes. I do love this man a lot. I need to make changes. Never once did he judge me or need me to fit his girlfriend requirements. He only needed me to do the same for him.
For a female to be totally okay with loving her partner unconditionally, our primal need for security needs to be met. He needs to be a provider. He needs to provide stability. He needs to romance.
But from a guy’s perspective, that’s totally unfair. Here’s why– women wanted to be be love unconditionally for who they are, then why can’t she do the same?
Women are always complaining about how their boyfriends used to be romantic, sweet, etc. but they stop after the relationship gets to a comfortable stage.
But on the flip side, what attracted men to begin with is a woman’s independence, strong sense of self, her ability to carry herself, be her own source of happiness, security and confidence in her femininity. And somehow over time, she begins to rely on him more and more to become that foundation of happiness, as if her worth is what he does for her. It makes him not want to. It becomes a cycle.
For a woman to never lose her sense of self, happiness and security comes from loving herself unconditionally. I need to cultivate faith. My relationship with God is the security I need because He loves me unconditionally and isn’t that more than enough?
So instead of asking- what do I get out of loving my boyfriend unconditionally? It should really be:
What do I get from loving myself unconditionally?
And it seems so silly to even ask that because if I can love myself unconditionally, I would give myself the world.