On loneliness and healing

My boyfriend is out of town and I was home alone yesterday evening.  I worked out.  It was a good workout.  Slightly out of breath and super sweaty, I gulped down the entire glass of water.  I placed the cup on the table and looked around me.  Nobody was home.  It’s times like these when I have nobody to share my happiness with that I become overwhelmed with loneliness.  Still so many hours remain of the evening.  By myself.

Naturally, I wanted to reject these feelings.

How can you feel lonely when you have a pet?  (Well, cat is in the other room, sleeping.)

How can you feel lonely when you have so many friends?  Did you forget you have happy hour plans tomorrow?

Just be alone, deal with it.  Why can’t you just be normal and deal with it until it goes away.

I listened to the way I responded to myself and decided I needed to stop bullying myself.

The way normal people deal with it is shutting it down.  OMG HAPPY YAY! is like the ultimate goal and it’s such a bullshit standard for people to maintain as its neutral state.  Nobody reveals their lows and people are conditioned to keep their lows on a hushed level.  More than ever we need people to be brave and be authentic, in their happiness and in their suffering.  So, I will do just that.

I looked at myself in the mirror in my sweaty workout clothes.  I saw a sweaty girl who was about to cry.

I let myself feel the sadness, loneliness and worthlessness.  I inhaled and exhaled as I let a dark tornado run through my mind.  The air felt heavy but it wasn’t something my lungs and heart couldn’t handle.  I did not try to change my breathing.  This current moment isn’t the whole truth of me, I allowed myself to feel all that I feel.  I’m committed to learning what my negative emotions are trying to teach me about myself in any moment that they arise.

Deep down, I am very wounded in the aspect of friendships.  I’m a loner.  I keep my distance and build walls in case someone gets too close to exposing my true self.  I feel resistance in my gut that my friends do not actually really know me and would not want to be my friend if they really did.

I don’t know how to let someone completely in and have a best friend.  And that makes me sad because I really love people.  But I don’t think they would like me.  I only show them a facade of what I want them to see.  Not that I purposely try to, I don’t know any other way to be.  The happy, cheerful, carefree spirit me.  Which is still me.  I continuously throw myself under the bus so that I won’t expose my pain.  I’m fine, I would say.  I put others in front of my own needs so that I would not feel abandoned. But don’t get me wrong, I have amazing friends.

I dived a little deeper.

Perhaps it was that time when I was five years old and I wanted to play in the toy kitchen area and the girls in there beat me up and the teachers didn’t see because I was on the floor hidden behind the toy stove.  And the teachers did nothing.  And my parents thought it was no big deal.

Or perhaps it was that time I brought my new toy to school and the girl told the teacher I stole her toy and made me give my precious toy to her.

I remembered I bought my first “friend” in first grade with Sailormoon stickers.

It shouldn’t matter anymore but thoughts like these break my heart.  Somehow these experiences still govern and sets off triggers in my life when I least expect it.

My inner child was never validated.  Nor did I ever expressed any hate towards any of my bullies because I didn’t know how.  I turned the hate inwards.  There must be something inherently wrong with me.  Moments like these are not meant to make me depressed for no reason, these emotions exist because they’re opportunities for healing.  I need to give myself my unconditional presence, for as long as it takes.

At the same time because of how much hurt I’ve harbored, I can understand the pain of others and relate to people who have also been hurt.  I need to forgive those who have hurt me.  More importantly, I need to ask the girl in my reflection to forgive me, for all the times I didn’t have the courage to protect her, honor her needs and integrity, instead, I ignored and forsaken her.

Still looking in the mirror,  I saw nothing wrong with the reflection.  She appeared to be in a calmer state.  In fact, she is quite beautiful.  Yet, I judge her so harshly for being less than perfect.  Imperfect but beautiful.  She has such bright, gentle, watery, kind, sad eyes.  I should be her friend.

I should be my own best friend, I decided.

I turned the music up and

Danced.

2 thoughts on “On loneliness and healing

  1. I know that feeling. I use to describe that feeling as emptiness. It’s hard. one of my colleagues told me that she and her international friends have dinner together through Skype, let’s try that sometimes!

feel free to share your thoughts :)