I visited home last week, which explains my lack of activity on my blog.
It was my second time visiting home since I’ve moved to the west coast. It felt very good to see familiar faces. However, my world has expanded too much to move back. I grew up in Chinatown, Manhattan and it was heartbreaking to see all the changes. It is no longer the Chinatown I know.
I still remember the crisp autumn mornings on my way to school when I was 7 years old. I remember the homogenous low rise buildings and quaint bakery shops.
Now I see construction on every corner filled with an urgency to create a high rise hotel. Banging and clanking of construction sounds stir the dust filled air. Art galleries stole the quaintness from local bakeries. The disgusted white people in their 20’s walking alongside with the inconsiderate Chinese smokers demonstrates the violation of each other’s space and culture. An air of entitlement and youth that’s full of judgement is met with a spit fueled with a lifetime of family oriented values and hard labor below minimum wage. Both coexisting, both struggling to pay rent and make ends meet. Yet so different in mentality and social nuances.
Saying goodbye was the hardest part of my trip. I gave my parents temporary bliss and I took it far away again. I can only love from afar. It is better that way so I don’t stress my Mom out with my imperfections.
I had good times too, I saw the people I really wanted to see and reconnected with old friends. Had laughter-filled brunches and a girls’ night out. Those were much needed. It felt so good and safe to be in the presence of my support group. At the same time, I feel selfish for leaving. But family and friendships are truly unconditional. It’s based on an understanding that we love each others as souls, not by what we can get. I truly have the best friends. It’s only romantic relationships that struggle in this aspect.
One thing I didn’t get to see was the Met. I’ve been obsessed with White Collar and hoped to see art the way Neal Caffrey does. haha! One of my oldest childhood friend took me to a golf course in Chelsea Piers!
I feels so good to be back with F. My bed, my cat, my space. I’m finally at peace with where I am and the old life I’ve parted with.