Are you proud?

Moving out of home can be scary, especially when you’re learning to adapt to a completely new environment and lifestyle.  Please read part 1 and part 2 of my mini series of things I learned since moving out of home and across the country, if you haven’t already.

Somehow, I’ve always felt out of control of my life.  Space.  Money.  Time.  Emotions.  My hair.  I felt like a mess.  I must really really suck at adulting.  I felt like I have so little control.  I was like a can of soda that’s been shaken.  On the outside, I’m like a quiet, cold can of coke.  You just can’t tell. I thought once I moved out and I have my own space, things would get better.

I just want to function, you know?

But life doesn’t work that way.  Even after I moved out of home, I still didn’t feel like I was okay for quite some time.

I scoured the internet for organizational tips.  I studied people.  I read so so many self help books.  I tried looking for answers in everything, astrology, personality tests, psychology books.

The best person to study from is my boyfriend, who is the most disciplined, neat, minimalistic person ever.

Like a creep, I watch the way he do things.  Places his clothes away.  He makes the bed.  Puts his daily necessities in the same spot.  He gets upset when I put my things there.  He is always well groomed.  He has no urge to spend money or shop.  He does not need to eat out.  He takes care of everything that’s his.  His cars are spotless, somehow he manages to keep it in a brand new state, which is basically empty.

I have a hard time understanding how he is this way.  So I ask him very odd questions.  He gives me simple answers that makes me want to pull my hair out.

After living with the best roommate/ lover I can ever ask for, I learned his secret:

“Be proud of yourself and everything about yourself.”  

So simple but so hard.  Slowly I began to look at every aspect of my life and ask: Am I proud of it?

Perhaps I was a little dramatic.  I really am.  I think I’ve done fine all along but I just never felt proud of myself.  The truth is, dishes are washed, laundry gets done,  cans get recycled, refrigerator’s well stocked.  I can hold a steady job, pay my bills, save money, even invest a little.  See, I had so much all along but I just chose to dwell on everything that’s wrong with me and I let other people influence what I think I should be like.

Once I realized all I needed to do is to be proud of myself, I realized how much I’ve half assed everything.  I need to work on being proud of what I do.  Everything I own.  Everything I put my energy into.  If I’m not, then I need to either learn how to be proud of it or let it go.  This is being grateful and not just saying you are, but behaving like you are.  Once I shifted my mindset that these bills are mine, this job is mine, these clothes are mine, these flaws are mine, I began owning more of who I am.

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