It has been a little over two weeks of funemployment. A lot of it is filled with sunshine (literally!) and sometimes, not so much. I spend most mornings in bed, scrolling through my social media, checking the stock market and watching my favorite youtubers. I usually have a lot of time to kill before going to my yoga class, which is the only regular routine I created so far.
While it may seem like I’m just distracting myself and wasting time, I am actually observing the emotions that run through me.
Quite often there is a pissed off, raging child in me demanding that I get up and go do something, look for a job or something. I simply observe and listen to her.
When she gets too loud to bare, I get up to brush my teeth and perform my daily face ritual.
Then I would go into my meditation room. I make small body movements on the mat before I commit to my journey inward.
Finally, I sit unconditionally present with the part of me that really wants to shove me off a cliff. Sometimes I would try to persuade her out of her anger. But today I decided not to. I decided to honor that anger and to allow her to rage. In my imagination, I even gave her a flame throwing dragon to fly on.
Her anger turned into temporary fun but she’s not ready to move on completely. Her existence reminds me that there is much to be learned about why it is that I don’t allow myself to be angry, why I am conditioned to push myself so hard to a point of feeling paralyzed, unable to make decisions, how I judge others when they’re angry and why I always talk myself out of emotions that are completely valid.
When I return to my physical self, I feel refreshed and energized. I head to my kitchen to prepare my coffee. Today I decided to make a hot one, but on better days, I make it iced. What I need to be is more patient with myself. There is no point into taking action when it isn’t inspired and the action is taken from a position of fear and frustration with myself.
With my mug in my hand, I would sit on my couch and admire the palm tree leaves moving gently from the breeze. Just having a balcony and a palm tree and a pool right outside my window is something beyond my imagination 3 years ago. Where I’ll be next month, year or 3 years is really beyond what I can even imagine. Let it go, let the future go. I only have the present moment and it is freaking beautiful.
Then I felt inspired to write.