I believe it is Week 3 in my new home in San Diego and every morning, I wake up feeling a little in disbelief of how warm and beautiful the weather is! I’ve been continuing my yoga practice and honestly, I don’t even know where the hours go. I go to my yoga class, lounge by the pool, head to the beach, go rollerblading, go to USPS to ship some of the old belongings that I sold online, cook dinner, nap, read, etc. I also spend 2-3 hours working remotely from home. My old employer needed help with some work and allowed me to work remotely until they find someone to replace me, which is awesome!
Meanwhile, I’m also looking for work. What I really want is to work in fitness and secure that first. I applied to gyms to see if they’re hiring group fitness instructors. The process is a bit annoying. I keep getting told to apply online which is something I’ve never had much luck in. I’ve been observing my gut and emotions as I dive into the pile of listings on Indeed for other jobs as well.
My gut tells me no, no, no, no, no, no, no for everything. I ought to listen to it and I do. I just observe. Sometimes I watch myself feel useless and worthless. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I don’t have experience in much despite graduating 5 years ago. Sometimes I find myself wanting to apply to everything. Sometimes I’m super optimistic but mostly I’m pessimistic. Sometimes a special listing would pique my interest but my fear of not hearing back after getting so invested into that possibility scares the shit out of me and I wind up not applying.
So my job search is more like an actual observation of how I feel, more than actually applying.
For me, the act of job searching is like scanning around looking for the best possible position that I can settle into that matches the trajectory of what I’ve been doing and hop back onto the treadmill of rat racing. I know I may be a little dramatic and this is not the case for all job searchers, but it is certainly the case for me. It is a battle between Do what makes you happy! and Be realistic! You have bills! But my commitment to happiness and the faith I’ve cultivated makes it so hard to be realistic.
I reflected on the lifestyle that I’ve been living the past 3 weeks and I can swear it is something I absolutely wanted when I was still living in Norcal, feeling dissatisfied with the 9-5 workday. Then I began to look at my current situation from the perception of appreciation. I have no idea how the same women are able to make it to yoga class on a Tuesday morning at 9am or 10:30am, yet I am doing the same thing. This flexibility is exactly what I dreamed of and here it is.
Honestly, it is also because I am a bit bummed out because on week 1 that I moved here, I showed up to the gym I wanted to work in the most and got to speak with a manager and he gave me a card and everything and told me to forward him my resume, which I did. And I never heard back. I followed up, but nothing.
I’ve been reflecting on this experience and I finally came to a conclusion that I am still waiting for someone to give me permission to do what I want to do. That is to teach, inspire, have fun sharing my love for movement and fitness. I need to incorporate this into my life one way or another because I know that is the happiest I’ve ever been. Whether it’s taking my friends running with me in NYC and giving them an unexpected workout along the way or training my coworkers during lunch or after work–it’s what makes me feel alive.
So after my yoga class yesterday, I walked along the beach and sat on the cool moist sand. Sitting there daydreaming, thinking about how funny my toes look on my feet and how the seagulls must be enjoying life and other random thoughts, I felt inspired to workout here. I texted the only friend I have here and asked her if she wanted to work out with me on the beach tomorrow and she agreed!
This morning we met up and I gave her a workout and it felt fantastic 🙂 She may hate me and never want to hang out again when she discovers how sore her butt will be tomorrow morning. Just kidding! We actually made plans to hang out again tomorrow 🙂
What I need to do is to stop seeking and to just be and swim in the delight of what I am able to create in this moment and not suffer by seeking my way out, taking inventory of why I am not over there. Yet.
Have a good week everyone! Thanks for following my journey!