I felt camera-shy. It was more of a sit down chat with my phone than an actual vlog. I don’t think I’m going to upload it to the public. (At least not yet.) I did what I set out to do and it was a great feeling.
It wasn’t so bad. I think the most awkward part for me is that I’m taking time and space. I felt like a shy student speaking in front of the class again. It’s not a big problem for me now as it was back then. My shyness wasn’t about having people look at me. I was friends with almost all of my classmates.
I think my discomfort came from me taking up space and people’s time and I didn’t think I was worthwhile. That sounded pretty dark, but that was how I felt. Speaking in front of the camera reminded me of that. There were moments when I’m just staring at the camera, rocking back and forth because I didn’t know what to do with the space I took up. That is something I need to work on.
Watching myself on video was weirdly pleasant. When I watch Youtubers, I’ve always wondered how they’re so comfortable in their own skin. How can she be so herself? How does she know how to be herself?
When I replayed the 5 minutes I recorded of myself talking about my day, I actually liked the girl I was watching. She seemed herself. A bit uncomfortable but she seemed like she could be a funny, nice human being with some weird quirks and nuances. Like the way my lips moved so crookedly. The weird eyebrow movements when I’m trying conjure thoughts. I guess I didn’t realize how much of a self I
have am until I watch myself on video.
It was a pretty good feeling, I have to admit.
I’m going to continue doing this! It’s a very good way to learn about myself and get more comfortable being me. I think I’ll be ready post publicly when I discover what topics I like talking about most 🙂 I can also vlog over the weekends and I don’t mind sharing those!
Share your favorite youtuber in the comment below!