A Women’s perspective when couples fight

I need to flush out these thoughts.  It is hard to talk about gender psychology without generalizing, so please excuse me for doing so.  I welcome all opinions.

Fights occur often in relationships.  It starts with a trigger and it’s always the guy who said something insensitive that set her off.  I am not saying this behavior is right.  I’m saying it happens.

It is usually something very petty.  What he said doesn’t matter, the fight will not be about what he said–it will be about how it made her feel.  Objectively, she probably took it very personal.  And she will react that way.  What he said was probably not an attack at all.  But she felt threatened, it made her feel unworthy of love.  She felt like everything that she invested into the relationship had just gone out the window.  In her mind, he’s supposed to put her happiness first.  How dare he say something so selfish and inconsiderate and not put her first.

When she is in a relationship, she will no longer feel the same power she had over half the human population.  That giving up of power, though willingly is her sacrifice to receive the love of one man.  He too, is making that sacrifice.  He needs to understand that she has a lot of value on her own, that is why he needs to make the first move to ask her on a date.  He needs to want her first.  He needs to treat her right, and she needs the public to know that too.  That’s just the way society works.

Men gain a lot more by being in a relationship.  Sex- just to start.  (I’m talking about an average, decent guy here, not attention-seeking assholes who are constantly on the prowl to screw anything that moves.)  Women give up a lot when they enter into a relationship.  She bears a lot more risk, biologically– she can get pregnant.  Women also have a different, time sensitive fertility timeline.  (Let’s not debate about this.)  That fear of him not caring for her happiness despite the risk she’s taking for him is a lot to bear.

So when he says something so insensitive, she feels like he stripped her of her only power left over him.  That sounds crazy.  It is crazy.  But it is real.  It’s real, guys, whether or not you believe it is right.  This is when he’s supposed to be there for her, through the thin of the “thick and thin”, the bad of the “good and bad”.

Now is the time she expects him to see the best in her.  This is just one of a few downsides to her (I hope, situations may vary.)  Her fear that she isn’t enough.  Her fear that he cannot return her love.  She is wired that way.  This fear exists even in the best, most successful, most confident of women (except for Oprah).  Yes, she would like to empower herself and in an ideal, logical world, she should be able to.  Yet, it is a constant struggle to contain her self worth and control her emotions.  She too, falls short of perfection.   Accept there is this imperfect side to her and help her let go.  

Now guys might think, shouldn’t she want to be in this relationship because she wants to?  Why would she feel like she’s losing power?  Wouldn’t she want to love me?  Why does she want power over me?  How am I supposed to comfort her when she’s already going batshit on me?  Shouldn’t we be equal?

Guys have to understand that life isn’t equal for girls.  It is always she who bears the full consequences of bad decisions even if it takes two to tango.  Also, girls aren’t raised the same way guys are raised.  Society is unfair to girls.

How a man reacts to her during this episode will either calm her, or drive her towards a downward spiral.

Guys, understand she is reacting out of fear.  Understand her.  Understand her fear.  Voice that you understand her fear and reassure her.  Don’t try to win, it’s not a logical fight even though men are logical creatures.  Don’t tell her to calm down either.  Don’t fight her or block her out.  Don’t let her battle her demons alone.  Abandoning her or leaving confirms her core belief that you will not be there for her.  Love her harder than she is able to love herself at this moment.  She will thank you for it.  When a man continues to see the best in her, in time she will discover the fear is all in her head and he isn’t going anywhere.

Let the battle of the sexes begin in the comments  🙂

One thought on “A Women’s perspective when couples fight

  1. Very biased feminist approach on viewing a relationship. The pregnancy card and not being treated equally in the world are weak arguments to use. Relationship takes effort on both parties, and you are insisting men is always the one who makes the mistake.

    “What he said doesn’t matter, the fight will not be about what he said–it will be about how it made her feel.” “It starts with a trigger and it’s always the guy who said something insensitive that set her off.”.

    Bedrock of a relationship is the ability to understand each other. Aside from sex; sex is good too. Able to see beyond body language to determine wants and needs. Ability to guess her favorite color or food. It takes experience and time to understand and norish a relationship. It’s not always the men who is at fault.

    We get it. Shit happens and arguments ensue. But it’s at fault for both parties, and there is always one common problem: not understanding each other. That’s alright. Nobody is perfect. It takes effort, time, and patience to understand your significant other. Arguments are healthy. It’s what makes a relationship stronger. Again, arguments help understand each other. Determine what is wrong and what could be done about it. It takes effort on both parties. Blaming each other doesn’t solve anything. Further, blaming only allows for more blaming.

    However, you need to know when you are in an unhealthy relationship. Know when to get out and fast. For the sake of each other’s happiness and sanity.

    Good post.

feel free to share your thoughts :)